Mysti Mayhem & American Idol 6

Minneapolis. What a great city this is. Home of PRINCE!!!

I waited in line for three hours to get a wristband, a ticket, and a registration form for auditions on Friday (tomorrow). Over 5,000 people stood in line, and more are expected for auditions.


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SEPTEMBER 8TH

I spent the remaining cash I had on groceries, packed my bags and walked 10 blocks to enter the line of 8,000 American Idol contestants in Minneapolis, MN at 5AM. News Cameras and Security Guards lined the blocks while helicopters flew overhead. Guys, gals and eager moms held their sleeping bags, pillows, luggage, and water bottles as they hummed and stood in line like cattle. Some were there as an excuse to skip school and hang out with their friends. Others had travelled from across the map to prove to the world that they were the NEXT American Idol. This was a third audition for one young man I spoke with, who sang in Texas and Nashville for Season 6 and was going at it one more time, more confident than ever.

It was around 7AM when everyone started entering The Target Center doors. Upon entrance, I noticed mountains of fresh packaged food, unopened beverages, and enough candy to satisfy a junkie. Everyone thought it was a food drive. THINK AGAIN!! Apparently, when American Idol told everyone to pack their food and bring water, they did not inform the contestants that this did not conform with Target Center Regulations, and NO ONE could pass through the golden arch without tossing their goodies. Thousands of pounds of fresh edible food were thrown in the garbage that day. Contestants were forced to either withstand the 10 hour competition without food and water, or purchase the $5 hotdogs, (condiments such as ketchup cost $.75 a squirt) and $4.00 7oz bottles of water provided by TARGET. Needless to say, I should have eaten breakfast.

Once the food was tossed, I made my way to my seat. On the floor of the arena were cameras, while overhead an American Idol logo remained steady on the stadium screen.



Everyones eyes were fixed on the center as one of the producers of American Idol instructed everyone on what he needed from us before the competition began.

First, he explained that he needed everyone to participate with the camera and look as though we were very excited every time a scene was taken.



The host of American Idol came out from one of the doors and everyone stood on their feet screaming and clapping as they waved their banners in hysteria, acting almost as though they were at the very first Beatles concert. All of us were instructed to stand and clap when given the signal, after the host of the show said his lines toward the camera. Everyone did as they were told, but as to be expected, it wasn't perfect. So it was shot again.

And again.

And again.

Then the producers decided it would be best if the host said his lines, in the MIDDLE of the crowd, as opposed to IN FRONT of the crowd. So they placed the host in the center of a bunch of hormone driven sex crazed 16 year old fanatics. He said his lines and everyone stood upon signal and screamed and clapped as the robotic arm of the camera swooped overhead like some David Blaine show.... all eyes fixed.

Well, this went on for another hour before the producers felt they had the shot they needed.

But NOW what they needed was for everyone to say, "I'm going to be the next American Idol, Don't Chya Know!!" (Remember, this is in Minneapolis, and the producers thought it would be funny...). The crowd said the line... once, twice.... 10 times before it was solid enough to move on to the next line.

The next line was, "I want Simon to Pick Me!"

Once....

Twice....

I walked out. I don't know how long it took. I thought it would be best to head towards the bathrooms where I could get some peace and quiet...

WRONG!!! The hallways and bathrooms were filled with hopeful teens singing their scales and fixing their make-up. It sounded like banshees.... hundreds of voices all singing out of unison trying to one-up their competition....

I didn't know which room was worse... so I headed back into the arena, where by this time, the producer wanted everyone to sing Prince's "1999" chorus and clap their hands while they all stood and smiled toward the camera. I have to admit, that part wasn't that bad, until 45 minutes of the chorus to "1999" went by... then people were getting upset... they started yelling obscenities such as, "This sucks!", "This is really awkward!!" "Start the Auditions!"

No one heard these cries for help. The monkey torture went on until 9:30 when the producers announced that everyone could now sit. We were finally ready for auditions!!!


People were called off by sections. There were 12 booths.

The booths consisted of an old cafeteria table, two judges and a thin cheap black curtain on either side of the table in an 8 ft space.



One of the two judges was one of the producers for American Idol, and the other judge, who wasn't allowed to speak, was a volunteer with a yellow American Idol T-shirt. To the best of everyone's knowledge, neither the volunteer nor the producer had any background in Musical Theory/Education.



Contestants were ordered to line up four in a row side by side before the two judges at each booth. Behind the four contestants were another row of four, and another row stretching approx. 8 rows back.



Surrounded by nothing but the sounds of singing, the clicking of highheels, and the talk of the other 6,000 people in their seats, I couldn't see how anyone could listen to an audition in that environment, let alone SING.


It was 10:00AM by the time my row approached the two judges. I was third in my row to sing. The first boy sang his interpretation of "Simple Man" by Lynard Skynard. The producer held up his hand in motion for the boy to stop after 10 seconds and asked the boy to sing his second song. The boy then sang, "Behind Blue Eyes". Then he was told to get back in line after 4 seconds. The second contestant was a young girl who sang, "I Will Always Love You" Whitney Houston Style, stopped after 8 seconds. Then I was asked to come forward. The producer asked me what I was going to sing, and I told him "Time For a Change".
I opened my mouth and proceeded to sing, "Well I wonder when their looks will fade. The Fubar'd part is how much they get paid. Seems the price of sex is higher than the song. My guitar doesn't come equipped with a matching thong. If you want the sex turn on the TV. If you want the music come and see me. I think it's time for a change!! And I am a rev......"


I was cut off. 10 seconds of song.

I was told to take my place in my row of four, but before he went to the last contestant in my row, he asked me to come forward again. He said, "Who wrote that song?". I replied,
"Spellbox, my band."... to which he said, "Ah, ok".
The girl after me sang her song and once the judge waved his hand for her to stop, we were called forward instantaneously to be told, "I'm sorry but it's going to be a No for all of you."



We then went around to the back of the table and stood in line yet again to have a pimply faced 16 yr. old volunteer with the same kind of shirts the "volunteer judges" wore, take a sharp cold pair of steel scissors and cut off our wristbands and proceed to the "Non-Winner doors".

The hopes of thousand of young Americans were crushed that day. Days of standing and sleeping on the streets, expenses on clothes and travel, the hopes of thousands of families high, only to be told after 10 seconds that they weren't "good enough"... lots of tears. All and all, it was terrible to see young girls and boys be so upset over a show that some sleaze in Hollywood designed to make money off of. I heard kids saying in a serious tone inbetween gulps of air from hyperventalation and tears, "I just want to kill myself."
"My father will never believe in me now."
"What am I going to do with my life?!"
"I'm never singing again."

These are pretty intense words coming from 17 yr. olds.

And I wonder... does anyone who works for American Idol care that perphaps... they are making money off of the hopes and dreams of children???

Meanwhile the people that DID pass the round to recieve their Golden Ticket, (I'm not kidding you-the winner recieves a golden ticket and proceeds... kind of like Willy Wonka) consisted of a half-naked cowgirl, a tall well dressed black man, and a pirate. YES, I said Pirate. At least that's all the contestants I got to see win before I was tossed to the curb with the other "non-winners".

HOWEVER, remember the boy I told you about... the one who auditioned two other times in other cities??? He DID recieve a golden ticket. GOOD for him! Third times a charm, eh?

The point is... that this was in NO WAY a professional audition. It is impossible to tell how well a person's vocal range and quality is by having them sing for 10 seconds in a room of 50 other singing individuals and screaming fans in the bleachers.

One beautiful 16 year old girl sang her song for the judges, and was told to proceed to the "non-winner" exit. Her young firm breasts bounced as her short skirt flaunted her underside while she walked away. The main producer looked the young girl up and down, nudged his producer-friend he was talking to, and walked over to the girl and said, "Whoa whoa whoa!!! You didn't make it? Here you go..." and he placed a "backstage pass sticker" on her chest and gave her a golden ticket.